Fourth Form of Madness

I feel like I am on the set of The Birds. On this island it feels like there is every kind of bird and then some flying around, singing their songs. When the birds go home for the night, the fruit bats take over so the sky seems alive in this place. I love it.

By far the most interactive bird is the white cockatoo. They are everywhere and you feel them watching you, waiting for you to leave a window or a door open so they can come inside and forage through your belongings for tasty snacks. Each day the hotel issues warnings about leaving anything open or unattended for fear that these motivated birds will help themselves to their heart desire.

Me, I like a bold bird. At breakfast, I watched as one sat on the railing enclosing the pool, off to the side, so as not to attract attention. Waiting, silently in deep meditation. Momentarily someone left a plate unattended as they turned their back to chat to someone behind them. I watched as the cockatoo opened one eye and with the grace of God flew effortlessly and accurately to it’s toast target. Toast in beak it went to high ground in a palm tree swaying lightly in the breeze and consumed it’s bounty.

Nothing fills my heart with joy more than seeing a creature that knows what they truly want. So simple and so concentrated, all awareness on one thing. Everything else is just noise to them. In that zone, life is simple and devastating beautiful.

If I have learnt one thing, these days simplicity is………. complicated. How do you know what you want is truly what you want? In an environment over burdened with suggestions, promises of wholeness and whispers of the pathways to happiness, how do you distinguish between what is a manufactured “want” from an innate “want”? And for those of you who dismissively retort “does it matter?”. Yes it does, it might be the most crucial, fundamental question you answer in this lifetime. And the ability to distinguish might just be what decides if you live in a pantomime or paradise.

So take the time to sit quietly each day and let what you want present itself. Do not feel ashamed or bad for wanting. Wanting is like everything else, used well it will set you free, used unwisely it will enslave you. It has been said that the path to enlightenment starts with a deep longing, a deep desire to know the innate life within you and all others. Do not let anything separate you from that deep desire. It is your true compass, your nature spring of unending grace. It is the silent and enduring hum that animates everything. Everything else is just noise.

Have you ever had that uncanny feeling where you realise that the outer story and inner story do not match? That in congruency between appearance and essence. I love these feelings as I use them as guideposts back to a kind of sweet nothingness. Let me explain.

The first example happened in the distant past, the second example just this morning. Many moons ago I was asked to present on, of all things, time management. It’s funny because if I gave that talk now I would start with “Time, an interesting construct that doesn’t exist…….” 🙂 but then I played it straight and stuck to the popular topic of how to be more effective by nipping time wasters in the bud. I had fun with the topic and with a few heart felt jokes the audience and I had built a common understanding. Afterwards several people said how much they enjoyed the talk.

One in particular has stayed with me all these years. One of my work colleagues at the time, approached me and said most honestly and not with malice “Wow I thought your talk was going to be boring and you would be shy, but that was really fun and interesting”. I remembered marvelling at the difference between how I must appear to people and how my inner life felt. To the outside work environment I must have appeared serious, shy, not interesting and lacking in confidence. But on the inside, I was always in a constant state of curiosity and questioning and a state of marvel at the world and how it worked and confidence in my ability to speak with substance when required. I remember being fascinated at the difference between inner life experience (which then felt like reality) and outer life perception of me.

There are many examples I can use for this story but the second example happened this morning. We were on our daily dog walk expedition down to the look out tower at the beaches edge. The dogs were enjoying the moody cooler weather and bounced along with joy and freedom that a cool change brings to their existence. We passed two young surfer’s carrying their boards under their arms and beaming of that wholesome freshness that only the nurturing sea can produce. As I walked past with the tiniest tiny Luck Luck bouncing along on the end of her strap I heard the words of one of the surfers on the wind as he past “Why do people have those stupid small trophy dogs?”

I felt a rise in my nervous system as the judgement of me and my dog was made so quickly, so dismissively and without context of history or meaning. I marvelled once again as the back story of inner experience, history, life, personal meaning was just omitted. How the inner experience of another was just silenced by a tyrant grasping tightly to what they believed was the truth as guided by external markers. Then I realised there were two tyrants grasping tightly to what they considered to be the truth and one of them was me 🙂 I was just holding on tight to the other side of the rope, that’s all.

Instead of getting into a game of emotionally charged thought tug-of-war, I simply put down the rope and looked at the sky with all her vast open space and wisdom in emptiness and continued on my journey into the exploration of truth.

When you woke up this morning what was the first thing you thought? What was your welcoming thought for yourself into the day?  The moment you awake is the beginning of your yoga practice.  From the moment we awake, we are telling ourselves a story about ourselves, others, the world.  It’s interesting to notice the quality and resonance of this story as it will set the tone for your day through your body, mind and being.    

We create this story from all our past experiences and learnings but it is essential to remember two things. One, that it is a story and not necessarily true, and secondly, as we create it we may choose to create another story.  This is essentially where my yoga practice started many years ago without me realising I was practicing yoga.  I started to notice the story I was waking up to and gradually, with a loving compassionate heart, began to create another wake up story that began to shape my day, my life and my wellbeing.  

Of course the story telling doesn’t just stop with ourselves. Collectively we create a story together and call it society.  But then something strange happens, we distance ourselves from our own creation and sometimes begin to refer to “society” as this random, apparition that just appeared and is just like that.  We create our story, our society, with every thought we have, with ever decision we make or do not make and with every breath we take.   This is a potently powerful remembrance.  This is true empowerment. 

It is interesting then to examine the stories about ourselves that are driving our “societies” that we have created and to also test their truth.  What are the myths that are woven into the fabric of our worlds?  Most of you have probably heard of the novel Lord of the Flies, where basically a group of boys became stranded and everything goes downhill from there with them becoming hostile and basically horrid towards each other.  For years I have heard this novel referenced as an example to what would happen if rules in our society were to break down – that basically we would all be horrid to each other and only think of ourselves.  This myth runs deep in western societies.  However, there is a real life example of where a group of boys did in fact get stranded on a Pacific island for a year before they were rescued (google Tonga Lord of the Flies).  And do you know what happened? They formed a strong mutually supportive, caring community that kept them alive in harsh conditions.  They started a fire and took turns to tend to it daily so that it didn’t go out….. for a whole year.   When one of the boys broke his leg from falling down a cliff, they tended to him daily and kept his spirits high even though he could not contribute to their community.  

So the myth of Lord of the Flies didn’t stand the test of reality.  What other stories do we hold about ourselves and as a society that also are simply not true and deserve a rewrite?   I will leave you on this note.  Hopefully it has inspired you to examine your own stories with an open loving heart and a sense of courageous curiosity.  Remember in this process, you are the author of your story and of our collective story.  Let’s write a good one. 

So as I walked along the beach today, it struck me how changed the foreshore was. Literally overnight the water had washed away a great deal of the bank I usually walk along. And I thought to myself “Wow that it is rapid change really made physical and tangible”. What was left of the foreshore was lit in a beautiful golden light so I took myself on a little stroll letting the gorgeous golden light dance over my body and delighted in the warmth of the sun. Imagine if I had got to the beach, noticed the changed foreshore and said “I can’t possibly walk on the beach today, it isn’t how I left it yesterday!” 🙂

It wasn’t long until I found a beautiful spot for meditation, close to the waves and with an uninterrupted view of the horizon. After a few minutes of breath exploration, I gradually went to slide into meditation. I usually close my eyes but today my eyes didn’t want to close, they wanted to remain open with a soft gaze on the unchanging and heartbreakingly beautiful horizon. As I softly gazed at this point of reference, it deeply occurred to me that whilst I was looking at the whole ocean in front of me, I could actively select to focus on the unchanging, still horizon or the forever changing churn of the waves closer to me. Both have their value. But I couldn’t help but notice as I gazed softly and a little lovingly at the horizon everything else continued to move around me but I felt undenied stillness and peace.

I think we have that choice everyday as we go about our life. We can chose to focus on the ever changing nature of the events of life, or the beautiful constant flow of life that remains unchanged by events. Which will you chose today? Choice is yours.

So I recently started a love affair with the ocean. I have lived 400m from the sea for the last 15 years but never went down there. Then last year in late November, I just started to get the urge to go to the ocean. I’ve always been one to follow these urges so I began at first walking to the lookout that sits back from the ocean and just watching the waves and the sky and smelling the salty air. Then I started getting up earlier to go to walk along the beach, then I started walking with my feet in the water and gradually this progressed to meditating on the beach. It’s fair to say it is a big part of my wellness maintenance plan now and also a big part of my continued learning. The beach has a lot to teach us about living.

Lesson for today, learn to love the ride! As I got to the beach today, there were monster waves smashing their way into the shore (well they looked like monsters to me :-)). The sea was wild and wooly and the tide was so high there wasn’t much beach to walk on. A handful of courageous surfers were out there facing their fears. I love to watch the waves but usually don’t seem to notice the surfers, but today I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off what the surfers were doing. I watched them get smashed time and time again in turbulent dump of a wave, surface in the wash and then find their board and paddle tirelessly back out again. Time and time again.

I was exhausted just watching them but I had a crazy grin on my face. The kind of grin you can’t help when you are watching something that touches your heart deeply. My grin spread as I realised I was watching one of the best trainings for resilience. Time and time again the surfer paddles out on their board into the turbulent and indifferent ebb and flow of the powerfully unforgiving ocean. Time and time again after a whole lot of effort, if the time is right or maybe by pure chance, they may get to experience a brief exhilarating ride that has no guarantee how it will end but will make them feel so free and alive that consequences cease to matter. All that effort for a short sweet unpredictable ride.

And I thought to myself, wow that is kind of like life 🙂 Life is effort and there are no guarantees how that effort will turn out. But what if you turned your appreciation of life around so of instead of loving the result, you loved the effort involved? What if you just plain old forgot about the end result and just loved and enjoyed the lessons and effort on the way. What if you just learned to love the ride come what may? The sheer exhilarating unpredictable ride with a smile on your face and the warmth of freedom in your heart.

For a long time I have been in love with the sunrise.  There is nothing like being there and present when the new day breaks.  Often I practice early in the morning.  At first this was so I could fit in a daily practice in my usually busy and scheduled day.  It wasn’t long before I fell in love with special time of day and even when I wake and my warm bed tries to lure me with the promise of extra hours of slumber, I remember the beauty of the still, often crisp morning with the sounds of birds singing for their many gods.  It is not hard then to rise, to step on my mat and fall into the mornings sacred silent that is pregnant with all the mysteries of life.

I’ve admired sunsets but never really found myself with much time to sit in their beauty and magic.  That was until recently on a holiday to Fiji.  At the place we were staying, high above on the tallest hill was a beautiful bar that had panoramic windows.  To get to the bar, you had to take a golf cart up the windy road to the top.  From there you had to climb a set of stairs until you were closer to the sky.  The first time my husband and I went to the bar to watch the sunset we thought it was going to be full with people and that we might be lucky to get a seat at one of the windows with her beautiful panoramic views to the ocean and the sky.  We were wrong.

There was one other couple there, already seated in the best window seat right in front of the sun setting.  My husband and I were stunned.  We were sure that this would be packed for the majestic show that nature then proceeded to unfold in front of our eyes.  All the colours in the spectrum danced before our eyes and hearts and the silence and the reverie of the beauty in front of us, was more spiritual than most places I have been.

The second time we went to view the sunset on our visit, we got there a little earlier.  We secured the sunset viewing seat.  It wasn’t hard.  We were the only ones in the bar.  Again we were stunned at to why it was so empty?  Here I would like to digress just a little.  A long time ago, I sat down next to a random gentleman on a train journey home one night.  He was of Spanish decent and we quite naturally struck up a deeply philosophical conversation about whether people were innately good or whether they learnt to be good (or bad).  He argued that people were innately good and I argued that we learned either to be good or bad.

I always think back to that conversation as it now seems odd to me that such a conversation was had on a train, usually they are somber, closed off and isolated places and this conversation was a lively, connected exchange.  We both enjoyed the exchange of the ideas and I appreciated many points of his argument. Secretly I think my heart wanted with all it’s might to believe what he was saying but my stubborn, book learning brain wouldn’t concede defeat at this point.  When he got off at his stop, he thanked me for the conversation and for the first time introduced himself.  His name was Spanish and a name I had never heard and when I asked him what it meant he replied “It means where the sky meets the sea”.  I loved this meaning.  Then he turned to leave the train but not before imparting a departing closing statement.  “How do you know that we aren’t all innately good and that whatever we learn is just further layers on top that cloud or highlight that goodness?”.  The truth was I could never truly know that through the intellectual vehicle I was using to argue with.

Back in front of that window in Fiji that second night at the bar, in the majestic silence surrounding us and the orange glow enveloping us in her soft and constant love.  I stood up so that I could see every glorious part of the magnificent sunset that unfolded in front of me.  The sky was on fire with the suns closing glory, the water was blue and deep and her waves softly lapped the shores with a reassuring rhythm of life.  Wispy, long fingers of the billowy, soft orange clouds started to slowly make their way down to touch the ocean until it seemed like the sky and ocean were truly connected, not just at the horizon but other places as well.  There as I stood being bathed in absolute beauty, I remembered the words that my Spanish train buddy spoke that night as he departed and I simply understood on a really deep level that we were all innately good.  It was then that I realised my face was soaked in silent tears. Big salty tears of release and surrender.  But a big dopey smile was also all over my face as I grinned with a tear soaked face into the undeniable, heartbreaking beauty that we all innately are.

So I am travelling at the moment.  At present I am sitting in an airport lounge watching the world around me.  Travel often involves many periods of waiting and I always find these some of my favourite times to sit back and observe.  I remember when I was in my final year of high school and the career guidance officer asked me what I wanted to do with my life.  I replied “I want to people watch and learn from their patterned interactions and behaviours”.  He said there was no such job and said perhaps I would prefer teaching.  I found out years later I should have gone to a different guidance counsellor.  I also found out sociology filled my original 17 year old desire to people watch quite nicely.

On the surface, we all look so different.  We speak different languages, hold different beliefs and values, grow up in different countries with different cultural and moral preferences.  But internally, we share a very similar landscape.  We feel emotions.  We will all at one point feel joy and love,  we will all at one point feel sorrow and grief.  We can’t be sure they will be of the same measure or for the same reasons.  But we all share this common language of emotion and we are all joined by this common experience.

We know if we suffer a loss, we will grieve.  We know we will feel fear if we push beyond our comforts zones and we know the sheer exhilaration and happiness we will experience should we let ourselves step beyond where we imaged we could. We may not have the exact same life experiences but we will, by the end of our lives, have shared most, if not all, of the major emotions that this life brings.  This is our common experience, these are the links in the chain that entwine us all in this bundle of humanity.

These emotions are gifts.  They are all chances to step closer to life and feel the beauty contained in every atom, in every particle of this existence.   They are all a window into living, of being human.  And in their way, they are all chances to understand yourself, and others better.  They can sometimes in their extreme states render new ways of seeing the mundane and every day.  Who hasn’t felt the raw beauty of living after experiencing a loss of a loved one.  Who hasn’t felt the world become so heart breaking beautiful after deep period of sadness?

Perhaps one of the most valuable jewels that emotions bestows on us is the ability to be empathetic.  I believe there is a link between being able to sit with your emotions and be willing to see them through with honest, brave, open eyes and a heart, that teases out of us an ability to be empathic to others.  Even if I can not understand the logic that you have used to arrive at your position in life, belief or value or whatever it is, I can understand the emotions you might be feelings as you travel through life and it is this emotional understanding and commonality that can allow a deep empathetic response.  And why wouldn’t we want to encourage this beautiful, life embellishing empathetic link when at the end of it’s rainbow, is the real pot of gold, the real jewel.  Compassion.  Indeed a beautiful shimmering beauty that is all our birthrights.

So next time when confronted with an emotional response in your being.  Sit with it.  Invite it to stay with you for a while.  Treat it like a good friend who is about to whisper to you some very wise words of wisdom.  Lend it your ear and let it fore fill it’s duty of linking you to all the beauty this life has to offer.

Not so long ago, life was pretty grim for me. The party had literally stopped in a big way and all the chairs had well and truly been packed away. Lights turned off. I was riddled with anxiety, sleeping only 2-3 hrs a night, depressed in my waking hours as I worked 12 hour days barely seeing sunlight. I was separated from myself, from all around me. Relationships were falling apart and the worst of all, I despised myself. I had turned into a stressed out, closed off, functioning robot. And life was not pleasant.

I remember thinking at my lowest, how, how on earth had my life come to this state? I remembered being out for a walk with my dog, walking into the beautiful sunset over the ocean and being struck by the fact that I was hurrying through this walk as I was so riddled with anxiety and exhaustion. And it struck me then. I was so deeply unhappy. I prayed then and there a kind of walking prayer, to the sky and the sea that I would never let myself be in this state again. I recognized very profoundly that I had done this to myself and I would recover from this but it would take strength to change and courage. I vowed right then and there to the sky as my witness that I would come back from this. And there was one thing that I was sure of, people and connection was going to be the yellow brick road to lead me home.

That night in bed, I prayed that I would not die without repairing some pivotal relationships in my life. I prayed to the big beautiful mystery that runs around us, through us and between us, that I would always remember that relationships, with yourself and others, are the very key to wellbeing and happiness. I remember thinking that I had developed some very unhealthy thoughts and habits and that the way out was to change the thoughts and habits that were keeping me hostage in a living hell. Most of all I felt profoundly and remorsefully so sad about forgetting myself and forgetting what I knew even as a 5 year old what was important in life. For it was true, I remember knowing at a really young age that people were all that mattered. And here I was feeling so separated from everyone.

My recovery began slowly. I would watch how I was thinking with a kind and gentle touch and I would note when I thought harsh, negative thoughts that didn’t make me feel really good and as I figured out quite quickly didn’t bear any real resemble to what was actually happening in the present moment. I paid particular attention to entrenched habits in my thinking, words and actions. When I noticed familiar negative patterns of thinking, I would compassionately remind myself that this way had not really worked out so well in the past and perhaps I could try something different. Something a little more positive.

Gradually things started to improve and I started to feel lighter and more filled with a joy for life and an enthusiasm that seemed to build and build. Relationships once again flourished in my life and radiated sunshine through my soul that only love and friendship can. Through this period I was supported by my practice. But it was my practice. Personal and deep. During this period I favoured home practice over studio as I knew what I needed and trusted myself to provide it by listening and being still. I put my faith wholehearted into nature, to guide me back to my true nature.

I am a big believer in both home  and group practice. But during this period, home practice was what I needed. Even to this day, I still look forward to and love practicing at home, outside under the big blue sky, surrounded by my beloved animals and near my miracle of a plum tree. When I was ready to step back and practice more in the studio environment it felt like a whole different woman stepped back onto the mat. One who deeply realized you practice primarily by yourself but you practice for and with everyone, never in isolation. There is something so special about the connection in a yoga room that arises when everyone is deeply in their flow of their own practice. I like to call it “the silence of love”. When I teach and assist in classes now, I always spend a few moments just feeling and honoring this most beautiful connectivity. And I believe it was this very heartfelt and cherished connection that led me home, to everything that was always there.

I love yoga, it’s no secret.  I love that nothing is ever purely intellectual in it or purely physical but asks of you a dash of both and very big serve of courage and heart.  Nothing is learnt purely by the brain or the body but a mixture of both and through a beautiful grace which dances like a feather in the breeze just beyond the reach of explaining.

There are many techniques of yoga that we may practice.  You can find them listed in any half decent  yoga book.  It’s good to remember though they are the techniques not the essence of yoga. You might nail the best headstand ever but still be dismally unhappy and unpleasant to people.  You might be able to chant the yoga sutras in its entirely backwards and in an ancient dialect long ago forgotten by this modern world but still lie and cheat yourself and other people.  The real practices are there for you, in your life, in how you live it.  In thought, in words and in action.

Book 2 verse 33 of the Yoga Sutra now there’s a practice!  When disturbed by negative thoughts, opposite (positive) ones should be thought of.  Sounds easy when you read it.  But anyone caught in the depth of depression or the agony of anxiety will know that this is not easy and at times does not even feel plausible or possible.  Sometimes just getting out of bed is the practice and finding a reason to breath takes everything you have.  Nothing is gained by being dismissive of this very real pain and suffering.  At times the oppressiveness and darkness that can be our thoughts and our inner world seem almost convincing in their illusion of how we and reality are.  But this is exactly the time to start practicing this sutra, when all is at it’s darkest, as the contrast of the light, even the tiniest flicker of a flame, will be at it’s greatest.

We can all finds ways to bring this practice into our everyday lives.  Think of when you are in traffic and someone cuts you off and then gestures rudely in your direction.  Angry, hurtful, hate filled thoughts might bubble to the surface and if you wanted to you could really grab hold of those thoughts and feed them and make them bigger and bigger until they occupied your every thought, word and action.  But how would that make you feel and the other people around you feel?  Do you really think hanging onto thoughts of this nature are enriching your life and your spirit?  Where have these types of thoughts led you before and have they ever honestly made your life better in any way?

And here is where I love this practice the most, you really have to practice it, over and over and over again.  Each and everytime the opportunity arises.  You don’t just think a loving thought towards the person who puts their yoga mat down in your designated (in your mind only) place in the yoga studio  and think you have nailed this sutra.  Oh no.  Just like the body, the mind needs to be exercised daily to feel the effects of the practice.  At every opportunity you have to show up and give it your best shot.

When you are practically sweating from the efforts to hold back shouting at someone who has just insulted you – you practice.  When all you really want to do is give in to that rage that is developing in your stomach because of this or that, you practice.  When you really are tittering on the edge of delivering a cutting comment to someone who has repeated and joyfully crushed your spirit, you practice.  Somedays the practice will be easier than others and let’s face it some days it will really suck and you will really suck at it (if my own practice of this is to go by :-)).  But every effort made in the right direction is really something and goes a really long way.

And here’s the thing.  What you are really practicing here is empathy.  A word we often struggle to define but will know it through our body when we practice it.  That ability to cultivate the opposite is made possible by practicing empathy towards others.  You are cultivating an understanding of the other person even if you do not and will not ever agree with what they are saying or doing.  You are trying to understand how that person is in your life today saying and doing the things they are doing got to this point.  You are willing to walk in another person’s shoes to at the very least understand what life is like for them.   Tough tough tough practice.   But the reason it is so worthwhile, the reason we endure and continue along the path of practicing empathy, is it is the beautiful precursor of the prize jewel, compassion.  And what the world needs right now, more than anything is compassionate people.

So we come to our last full day in New York.   We decide to go to the iconic Coney Island known for it’s amusement parks, famous food treats and boardwalk.  The day is bitterly cold as we walk along in our thin hoodies from home that were not built to withstand such winds.  We grin, shiver and gaze at the numerous stomach churning, knuckle whitening amusement rides all around us.  Both of us agreeing that after eating was not the time to venture forth onto these rides.

So we sit, both looking out over the bleak, grey, cold water under the beautiful big blue sky.  The beach is closed to swimming due to the coolish temperature.  There are a handful of rugged up people walking along the beach sand searching for shells and making castles.  And then I see it.  At first I think I am seeing things and that the cold has frozen a vital part of my brain needed for clear perception.  A deer.  A beautiful elegant, golden coloured deer on the beach.

People run towards the deer, excited and confused to see a deer in this environment and out in the public.  The deer is frightened. Even from my seated position on the boardwalk, I can see the poor animal looking for an escape route, away from the unknown two legged noisy animals all around it.  It heads for the water and starts swimming.  I feel panic in my stomach and fear in my heart.  Deers are good swimmers but not in that cold water.

A helicopter appears and starts to try to steer the deer into rocks that would eventually guide it into the shore.  But the deer now in sheer, blind panic and operating totally in flight and fight is having none of this and climbs onto the rocks and jumps over them into the open sea on the other side.  My heart literally breaks.  This action by the deer made from a place of sheer panic and adrenaline has sealed it’s watery fate.

We all sat, spectators to a harsh, gruesome show that life sometime is and there was nothing that anyone of us could do to stop the outcome.  I would have loved to get up and walk away and distract myself with the controlled amusement going on behind me. But that would not have changed anything and I felt I owed it to the deer to stay with it to the tragic end even though I wanted to deny what was happening and I wanted to desperately change it.

The helicopter kept hovering above the deer as it swam further and further out to sea.  A coast guard boat appeared on the horizon and there were moments of hope.  But this was not a scripted tv show, this was unpredictable and often brutal and unfair life. After some time, the helicopter turned and flew away and the coast guard boat just kept on going.  There was no rescue.  And all around people turned their backs to the ocean and walked back to the various amusement parks for some more controlled fear.

My husband and I remained, looking out to the watery grave of the innocent deer.  Big, salty, silent tears rolling down my face.  I didn’t want to move.  I didn’t want to feel better.  I just wanted to feel all that this moment held even though it would never had been my choice for my last day in New York.  I owed it to the deer.

Where did this deer come from? What was it doing on the beach?  Why was it here?  All these very familiar philosophical life questions that could apply to anyone of us didn’t seem to matter to me so much.  What struck me and broke my heart the most was the fear that the deer ended it’s life in.  The fear that caused it to act in a detrimental way to it’s own health. The fear that led it to it’s death even though there were a multitude of life affirming choices available to it.

I felt a deep empathic connection to the deer.  We all feel fear, we all let ourselves get led around by it at some point in our life and we all let it blind us to the life affirming choices that are available to us in each and every moment.  We will never not feel fear.  We will if we are lucky practice and learn to make good life affirming choices even in our biggest moments of fear. We can learn to pause, breath, and to use our ethical teachings to guide us to a sounder decision than our autonomic fight and flight response.  But this takes practice and lots and lots of it.  This is the best and only option available to us in this uncontrollable fun fair called life.

I said a silent little prayer to the deer out to the ocean and the big blue sky.  Then I dried my face with the back of my sleeve, took my husbands hand and disappeared into the crowd on the boardwalk.