Fourth Form of Madness

Not so long ago, life was pretty grim for me. The party had literally stopped in a big way and all the chairs had well and truly been packed away. Lights turned off. I was riddled with anxiety, sleeping only 2-3 hrs a night, depressed in my waking hours as I worked 12 hour days barely seeing sunlight. I was separated from myself, from all around me. Relationships were falling apart and the worst of all, I despised myself. I had turned into a stressed out, closed off, functioning robot. And life was not pleasant.

I remember thinking at my lowest, how, how on earth had my life come to this state? I remembered being out for a walk with my dog, walking into the beautiful sunset over the ocean and being struck by the fact that I was hurrying through this walk as I was so riddled with anxiety and exhaustion. And it struck me then. I was so deeply unhappy. I prayed then and there a kind of walking prayer, to the sky and the sea that I would never let myself be in this state again. I recognized very profoundly that I had done this to myself and I would recover from this but it would take strength to change and courage. I vowed right then and there to the sky as my witness that I would come back from this. And there was one thing that I was sure of, people and connection was going to be the yellow brick road to lead me home.

That night in bed, I prayed that I would not die without repairing some pivotal relationships in my life. I prayed to the big beautiful mystery that runs around us, through us and between us, that I would always remember that relationships, with yourself and others, are the very key to wellbeing and happiness. I remember thinking that I had developed some very unhealthy thoughts and habits and that the way out was to change the thoughts and habits that were keeping me hostage in a living hell. Most of all I felt profoundly and remorsefully so sad about forgetting myself and forgetting what I knew even as a 5 year old what was important in life. For it was true, I remember knowing at a really young age that people were all that mattered. And here I was feeling so separated from everyone.

My recovery began slowly. I would watch how I was thinking with a kind and gentle touch and I would note when I thought harsh, negative thoughts that didn’t make me feel really good and as I figured out quite quickly didn’t bear any real resemble to what was actually happening in the present moment. I paid particular attention to entrenched habits in my thinking, words and actions. When I noticed familiar negative patterns of thinking, I would compassionately remind myself that this way had not really worked out so well in the past and perhaps I could try something different. Something a little more positive.

Gradually things started to improve and I started to feel lighter and more filled with a joy for life and an enthusiasm that seemed to build and build. Relationships once again flourished in my life and radiated sunshine through my soul that only love and friendship can. Through this period I was supported by my practice. But it was my practice. Personal and deep. During this period I favoured home practice over studio as I knew what I needed and trusted myself to provide it by listening and being still. I put my faith wholehearted into nature, to guide me back to my true nature.

I am a big believer in both home  and group practice. But during this period, home practice was what I needed. Even to this day, I still look forward to and love practicing at home, outside under the big blue sky, surrounded by my beloved animals and near my miracle of a plum tree. When I was ready to step back and practice more in the studio environment it felt like a whole different woman stepped back onto the mat. One who deeply realized you practice primarily by yourself but you practice for and with everyone, never in isolation. There is something so special about the connection in a yoga room that arises when everyone is deeply in their flow of their own practice. I like to call it “the silence of love”. When I teach and assist in classes now, I always spend a few moments just feeling and honoring this most beautiful connectivity. And I believe it was this very heartfelt and cherished connection that led me home, to everything that was always there.